talking to myself: preparing the start

It’s Friday, November 30th, 2012. 10:38pm… I just weighed myself… and it says 180.5 pounds. That is the heaviest I have ever weighed. I burst into tears earlier today, because I couldn’t get my largest pair of jeans to fit me. I felt embarrassed with myself, ashamed. How could I let myself get this way? I used to say when I was younger that I will never allow myself to get fat. Everyone says I look amazing, but I feel disgusting. I’m fortunate that my body spreads the fat out into an hour glass formation, that way I don’t look like a giant watermelon waddling around. My thighs and butt are ugly with cellulite, my arms are are large and I can’t even fit into the sleeves of my shirt. All I have been wearing lately are my sweat pants, baggy shirts. I’m so ashamed, I’ve eaten Mc Donald’s almost everyday, hiding from everyone so they didn’t see. I have been eating like 10 meals a day of pure shit.  I don’t understand how i’ve been able to recognize what I’m doing wrong and continue to bite into the food, cursing at myself. The taste of food is such a comfort, but the feeling it leaves in my stomach is a cruel one, that mocks my weakness, and pushes me to do it again. 

I am struggling, binging, crying and I want to stop. 

That’s why I’m going to publicly document my journey. EVERYTHING. I want others who struggle with food and weight to have some kind of inspiration, or simply someone to relate to. 
I want to see my daily achievements, what changes I can make, and hopefully if this blog hits off, advice and support of readers. 

Every person has the right to be happy with themselves. I have a lot going for me. I am nursing student, EMT, I’m a hard worker and have a wonderful group of friends and support system, but I have no self esteem and it all has to do with my obsession and addiction to food, and how unhappy I am at my body and what I see. Maybe not everyone cares about the physical aspect, but I do and so do thousands of others. Even though I’ve taken this step a hundred times before, I’m going to take this step along with everyone else.

Wish me luck. tomorrow is day 1. Image

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9 thoughts on “talking to myself: preparing the start

  1. runoffwriter

    You CAN do this!! Even if you’ve failed before. Keep getting up when you fall, and no one, and nothing, can hold you down. Have you seen this: http://youtu.be/qX9FSZJu448? If he can, you can. Jumping on here was a great decision…lots of support to be had…and you will need it because it will get hard. You’ll need to change a lot of things about your life, exercise and eating obviously but finding the root of the unhappiness that leads to the emotional eating is really important. I know all that sounds cliche but it’s the truth.

    My (unsought) advice to you…first and foremost, set a goal, and make a concrete plan for getting there. You can start oh so small to make it easier to keep with it (I will walk around the block today. I will walk for an hour the next day. I will walk for five minutes, then jog for one, then walk for fifteen, then jog for one, and so on the day after that, etc.). Check out any “Couch to 5K” jogging program (there are several apps available, too) online or in your area and get started. They move along really slowly and prevent you from injury while giving you little victories to keep you motivated. And though they’re usually designed for 8-10 weeks, there’s no rule that says you can’t repeat a week until you’re ready for the next one.

    Sorry about the lengthy comment but hope I’ve helped!! Keep writing….it will help a lot!

    Reply
  2. transmitwhit

    I’ve been struggling with my weight for a while. I’m am so excited to follow you on your journey. Everyone DOES deserve to be happy! Always remember that you are more than a number. Let’s do this!

    Reply
  3. foodaddictionrecovery

    You can do it! It’s never easy and it’s worth it. Unfortunately, unlike other addictions, you can’t just quit eating. It’s hard struggle and I wish you all the best on your journey.

    Reply

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