It’s Friday, November 30th, 2012. 10:38pm… I just weighed myself… and it says 180.5 pounds. That is the heaviest I have ever weighed. I burst into tears earlier today, because I couldn’t get my largest pair of jeans to fit me. I felt embarrassed with myself, ashamed. How could I let myself get this way? I used to say when I was younger that I will never allow myself to get fat. Everyone says I look amazing, but I feel disgusting. I’m fortunate that my body spreads the fat out into an hour glass formation, that way I don’t look like a giant watermelon waddling around. My thighs and butt are ugly with cellulite, my arms are are large and I can’t even fit into the sleeves of my shirt. All I have been wearing lately are my sweat pants, baggy shirts. I’m so ashamed, I’ve eaten Mc Donald’s almost everyday, hiding from everyone so they didn’t see. I have been eating like 10 meals a day of pure shit. I don’t understand how i’ve been able to recognize what I’m doing wrong and continue to bite into the food, cursing at myself. The taste of food is such a comfort, but the feeling it leaves in my stomach is a cruel one, that mocks my weakness, and pushes me to do it again.
I am struggling, binging, crying and I want to stop.
That’s why I’m going to publicly document my journey. EVERYTHING. I want others who struggle with food and weight to have some kind of inspiration, or simply someone to relate to.
I want to see my daily achievements, what changes I can make, and hopefully if this blog hits off, advice and support of readers.
Every person has the right to be happy with themselves. I have a lot going for me. I am nursing student, EMT, I’m a hard worker and have a wonderful group of friends and support system, but I have no self esteem and it all has to do with my obsession and addiction to food, and how unhappy I am at my body and what I see. Maybe not everyone cares about the physical aspect, but I do and so do thousands of others. Even though I’ve taken this step a hundred times before, I’m going to take this step along with everyone else.