sorry i didn’t write anything yesterday! Not a great day…at all. lol
My diet yesterday was like nonexistent til late at night when my ladies and I had girl’s night.
well, we ate a lot of pizza, and cheese sticks, and drank. oh boy… and i think it was becase I hardly ate through out the day. I was sort of bummed out and lost my appetite all day, til our little party came up and next thing I knew I WAS STARVING. and just eating… pretty sure I was eating, past the point of being full.
I felt like TOTAL SHIT, omg. I felt like my stomach was going to explode. I really, really was pissed at myself. I had to go make myself throw up in the bathroom because i felt soooo disgusted and I didn’t even get to work out earlier in the day. I was cursing myself out in the bathroom
Now, I have a history of anorexia/bulimia. I wasn’t a serious case, but in high school specifically sophmore and junior year… i didn’t eat..Everyday I remember I would skip breakfast, get to school and walk with my lunch buddies to a pizzeria or something, and all I would get everyday was a blue powerade, or gatorade… not sure. and then I had my friend make sure I did sit ups… like 100 i think everyday. Then I had soccer practice after school, go home and whatever my mom made for dinner and I go back outside for a run. That was pretty much the routine everyday and I went from 130 pounds to 115pounds and kept it there til junior year.
Junior year came along and I guess I started to eat normal so I went back up to constant 125-130 pounds. But I was making myself throw up after dinner. it was bad… I always regretted putting any food in my mouth. I did that for all of junior year and then senior year I started seeing a therapist specifically for my eating habits… it was at school and no one knew and I was able to just be normal with my diet my senior year… I gained another 5 pounds.. so I was pretty much 130-135 pounds senior year.
After all that… college is here! and from the day I started college which could have been maybe pushing 140…. I am now the 180 pound girl.
bizzare… I used to starve myself to maintain a low weight… and almost 3 years… I’ve managed to binge and gained almost 45 pounds since high school. I stopped exercising, stopped caring about calories, didn’t care about sugar or any of that. I just wanted the pleasure of eating all this food that I stopped myself from eating in high school.
I am so disappointed in myself, but what can I do? What’s done is done…
To make these changes are so so hard for me, and i’m sure for so many others… It’s a lifestyle change and I am just HOORRRIIBBLLE with change. I get comfortable and stay there… I don’t move with the change. no bueno, lol.
But I’m working on it… slowly and have so much support from my friends.
Today, around 12:30, I had a grapefruit… that’s it so far..I don’t even want to eat after last night… but I know I should especially since I have a holiday party to go to tonight, where there will be.. lots and lots of food. uughhhhh i hate the holidays so much!!
Wish me luck guys… and good luck to you!