day 20 and 21– and a little diet history

sorry i didn’t write anything yesterday! Not a great day…at all. lol

My diet yesterday was like nonexistent til late at night when my ladies and I had girl’s night.

Image

well, we ate a lot of pizza, and cheese sticks, and drank. oh boy… and i think it was becase I hardly ate through out the day. I was sort of bummed out and lost my appetite all day, til our little party came up and next thing I knew I WAS STARVING. and just eating… pretty sure I was eating, past the point of being full.

I felt like TOTAL SHIT, omg. I felt like my stomach was going to explode. I really, really was pissed at myself. I had to go make myself throw up in the bathroom because i felt soooo disgusted and I didn’t even get to work out earlier in the day. I was cursing myself out in the bathroom :/

Now, I have a history of anorexia/bulimia. I wasn’t a serious case, but in high school specifically sophmore and junior year… i didn’t eat..Everyday I remember I would skip breakfast, get to school and walk with my lunch buddies to a pizzeria or something, and all I would get everyday was a blue powerade, or gatorade… not sure. and then I had my friend make sure I did sit ups… like 100 i think everyday. Then I had soccer practice after school, go home and whatever my mom made for dinner and I go back outside for a run. That was pretty much the routine everyday and I went from  130 pounds to 115pounds and kept it there til junior year.

Junior year came along and I guess I started to eat normal so I went back up to constant 125-130 pounds. But I was making myself throw up after dinner. it was bad… I always regretted putting any food in my mouth.  I did that for all of junior year and then senior year I started seeing a therapist specifically for my eating habits… it was at school and no one knew and I was able to just be normal with my diet my senior year… I gained another 5 pounds.. so I was pretty much 130-135 pounds senior year.

After all that… college is here! and from the day I started college which could have been maybe pushing 140…. I am now the 180 pound girl.

bizzare… I used to starve myself to maintain a low weight… and almost 3 years… I’ve managed to binge and gained almost 45 pounds since high school. I stopped exercising, stopped caring about calories, didn’t care about sugar or any of that. I just wanted the pleasure of eating all this food that I stopped myself from eating in high school.

I am so disappointed in myself, but what can I do? What’s done is done…
To make these changes are so so hard for me, and i’m sure for so many others… It’s a lifestyle change and I am just HOORRRIIBBLLE with change. I get comfortable and stay there… I don’t move with the change. no bueno, lol.

But I’m working on it… slowly and have so much support from my friends.

Today, around 12:30, I had a grapefruit… that’s it so far..I don’t even want to eat after last night… but I know I should especially since I have a holiday party to go to tonight, where there will be.. lots and lots of food. uughhhhh i hate the holidays so much!!

Wish me luck guys… and good luck to you!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “day 20 and 21– and a little diet history

  1. runoffwriter

    That’s a lot to handle. You’re right, the past is the past. Yet….clearly there are still a lot of negative emotions toward yourself all tied in with food. The heart of all that might be the place to start, moreso than diet/exercise. Just my COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED two cents…but I’m a little worried about you! Hang in there and believe in your ability to pick yourself up when you fall. All the best!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s